And You Thought You Were an Asshole

These are actual conversations I had with salepeople at Great Mall.

1. In Media Play
Salesgirl: "Did you find everything okay?"

Me: "No, it was hell. I've spent the last week searching your store for this. At night I slept under the dvd rack."

Salesgirl: (laughs) "Oh, I didn't see you when I came in this morning."

Me: "I was doing my best to hide, because I thought you might hurt me. You're scary."

Salesgirl: (luaghs)

2. Outside the mall
Some Dude: "Hi, would you like to find out how you can help save a starving child?"

Me: "No, I hate children. Let them die."

Some Dude: (Doesn't know what to say)

3. In mall commons
Salesdude: "Hey, would you like to see some of our new cell phones? We have a great new plan."

Me: "Hmmm. . . A cell phone would help me stay in contact with people, wouldn't it?

Saledude: "Of course."

Me: "I hate people, I do my best to avoid people at all costs, people are a pathetic virus on the Earth. Why would I want something that made it easier for people I don't like to contact me?"

Salesdude: "Umm. . ."



After leaving the mall I pulled out my cell phone and told my Mommy how much ass I kick.

I hate Salespeople.

In My Opinion, You Don't Have The Right To an Opinion

I fucking hate people always saying "Oh, well, you're entitled to your own opinion,"or "Well I'm entitled to my own opinion," or "Everyone's entitled to their own opinion." No you aren't!!! You're fucking opinion doesn't matter, it doesn't change shit. If, in my opinion, the sky is purple with maroon polka dots, it doesn't mean shit. You know whose entitled to an opinion? People who actually know something about whatever it is their trying to get all opinionated about. How the fuck can you be so conceited as to mouth off about something you know absolutely nothing about? And then try to tell me your entitled to do so! By who? Who gave you a fucking license to fill the air with meaningless shit? Who told you you had the right to waste my fucking time? You have the right to keep your opinion to yourself!

What it comes down to is that an opinion is just that, a fucking worthless opinion. Even the opinions of Gods like me can be wrong or misguided. When we give our opinions or listen to the opinions of others we're usually looking for people who have the same misguided beliefs we do. Finding some other idiot who believes as we do makes us feel more right, as if two people who believed the same stupid shit could become right because they found a third fucknut who believed it too.

There are over 6,000,000,000 people in the world (that's an actual fact, not my opinion), I guarantee that, no matter how stupid your opinion may be, you can find another moron out there who shares it. And guess what, finding another dumbass isn't something to be proud off, you stupid, self-righteous, opinionated bitch!

Ass Promised It's: Gay Guys Get All The Ass!!!

Sometimes I wish I were gay. No really, I mean, women are a fucking trip. I never know what you want, and when you try to tell me, it makes no sense. I've heard that men and women think differently, with different portions of our brains even, and that's why I sometimes think that it must kick ass to be a gay male.

I mean, everyone always saying that guys all want the same shit: ass. If I were gay, I'd know exactly what was desired by my "friends" cause they'd want the same shit I supposedly do (I say supposedly, cause sometimes, I just want to cuddle :) {awwww!}). Think about it, no more hot and cold, no more "What the fuck is she thinking, am I like, supposed to be some kind of fucking psychic? Why won't she give straight answers to my questions? What the fuck does she want dammit!!!!???" It just eliminates so much stress if you can just enter into a relationship knowing exactly what's expected of you.

I kinda feel sorry for lesbians though, I mean, that's just double the fucking insanity!! Being a lesbian must be the most horrible thing in the world, always sending and receiving mixed 'signals,' never knowing what she (or even you half the time) is thinking. What a hard life.

*Sighs* Alas, I think it unlikely I'll ever be 'converted.' Women are just too damn hot.


Then again, some of those drag queens. . .

Women Suck

I hate when women expect you to pick up "vibes" or "signals." How the fuck do I know what you're thinking? Half the time YOU don't seem to know what you're thinking, how the fuck should I be able to figure it out? Especially when the signals women send are fucking mixed. One minute they're cold and you start thinking about looking elsewhere, then all the sudden they want to start getting all close to you when you walk and rubbing up against you and you think, maybe, then they're fucking cold again.

What the fuck is that shit? What kind of signal is that? What the fuck are you trying to say, why don't you just fucking SAY IT!!!??

That's why I hate always being the first to take that fucking step, the "I'm interested in you" part of the dance. If I'm willing to be a little vulnerable, can't you do the same? I won't chase anymore, I'm tired of chasing, if you don't let me know something, I'm gone.

The worst part of the signal shit is women can't even read them. They can't tell the difference between the "hey I wanna bang you", "hey I'd like to date you", and the "hey, Iwas interested in you, but you bullshited too fucking long and I got over you, but all my buds are out of town and I'm desperate to hang out with someone, even you" 'vibe.' Vibes are bullshit.


P.S. Tune in next week for "Gay Guys Get All the ass"

Hello

Hello. You suck.